Thursday, June 18, 2009

early, early, early morning musings

Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a FALL.

Some of you readers may remember sitting around eating pizza a few nights ago while I told the story of my sister, which I found both horrifying and laughable (sorry, sis!). The mental picture of a woman very pregnant falling backwards off a tall bed... really almost as funny as a moderately pregnant woman falling flat on her face under the spotlight of a motion detector in the almost dead of night.

I mean, why would anyone be awake at two in the morning? Awake enough to notice that the garage door was wide open. Probably someone who was awoken by her toddler crying out for WATER and of course had to relieve her own pregnant bladder.

Later, someone might ask why a young women with child would even go to investigate a dark, but open garage by moonlight. Granted, she doesn't exactly live in the ghetto, but things do walk away sometimes and more than one car lock has been tampered with around those parts. She didn't even bring a jumbo flashlight with her... you know the kind that is made of steel and takes FOUR 'D' batteries and would strike someone dead on contact... the kind that is sitting right by the back door to the garage? But as her husband informed that someone, "she doesn't really think like that."

If a thorough investigation had been done, Sherlock would've discovered that it had been raining; perhaps the patio was slippery. He might have found shreds of a bath towel gripped by the rough cement. A probable question might be, "Why a bath towel?" A likely answer would ensue, "One needs something to wear when hopping out of bed in the chill of the night!" Our detective would eventually observe very long strides between footprints leading away from the garage, stopping still at a very large imprint of a pregnant lady's body, face down on the wet cement.

After questioning the neighbors, irregularities would be revealed. The next door neighbor, who normally returns from his late shift around 12:30 AM, would confess to arriving home a little after 2 AM. He might even be able to recall seeing a woman with a relatively large abdomen streak up the sidewalk in a frenzy, furiously clutching a pasty green bath towel. And then she disappeared... or maybe the whole episode was a mirage. It seems conclusive that the young woman would NOT want to be seen almost naked in the spotlight of the motion-detector by the borderline-creepy old neighbor.

Upon questioning the young women's two small children the following morning, the story would be retold with intensely somber faces, explaining that their mother's fall was no laughing matter. They might even draw attention to the wounds their mother received, which the children look upon with the utmost respect. They would assure you that the baby is OK inside the mother's stomach, as this was their first concern after hearing the harrowing tale. The oldest child would explain that when a pregnant woman experiences a great fall, she should pay special attention to the baby... that's what they did on Little House on the Prairie, after all.

Further investigation of the woman's home would lead one to believe there had been a raid of the medicine cabinet congruent to the outdoor fall incident in the previous night. The largest band-aids one has ever seen would be found in the trash, soaked with blood. Three (yes, three!) different topical creams lay scattered on the bathroom shelf, keeping company with a big box of band-aids and a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol. One would never have guessed this same woman had given birth to two children without nary a needle injected or pill swallowed. The looks of the bathroom tell a different story.

Eventually, one might even talk with the women in question. Her confession would be short, but the wisdom gained would be eternal: Never, never sigh with frustration at a young child crying over a skinned knee (those owies HURT). Never underestimate your children's compassion as you hobble through your day, bruised and with weeping wounds. They have hearts of gold! Always expect such things to happen just when you have a day in which you must be on your feet the entire day, even pushing the world's heaviest Costco shopping cart. Always gravely reconsider leaving the house for any reason after you've already gone to bed. And lastly, never stifle laughter over the misfortune of someone else (sorry again, sis!), as "pride goeth before a fall!"

(unless, of course, you're giggling to yourself right now. Because really, the situation was rather comical... as long as it wasn't your pregnant belly that was landed on and your knee that is the size of a cantaloupe. :)


Ryan Patenaude said...

So what did you discover out there? Loved the story!

Jessica said...

that was quite the story...I hope that poor woman is ok!
but what i really want to know is who left the garage door open?! I mean that's the person that should be confessing! Unless, of course, it was the pregnant woman, then...nevermind. :)

Nedra said...

Pictures...I want pictures...Great storytelling Becca!

Erin said...

hilarious... very well told...and it's true- that flashlight would kill anyone it came in contact with.
and, i'm laughing at you, so I hope I don't take anymore falls :)